Friday, January 4, 2008

Huckabee's Evangelical Bodyguard -- The Real "Chuck Norris Facts"

Most internet users have heard at least a few of the satirical Chuck Norris Facts that have been circulating on the web for the past year. Like: "When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris," or: "Before the Bogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris." These Facts became so widespread that Norris's popularity rose significantly, and he was asked about it often during interviews. He seemed to have a good sense of humor about the whole thing, and read off a few of his favorite Facts on the Tony Danza Show. He wrote that the phenomenon was mostly "just promoting harmless fun," and that "maybe these one liners will prompt some one to seek out the real facts about [him] and the beliefs that have shaped [his] life."

Many of the Facts I found to be hilarious, but I didn't "seek out the real facts" about Chuck Norris when I first heard about it. He was so cool about the whole thing, I thought he must be a decent guy -- someone whose books and movies I might buy.

Ian Spector, the college Freshman who started the original Chuck Norris Facts website, published a book of the Facts late last year. In the introduction, he wrote about how he had actually met Chuck Norris, Norris's wife, and their lawyer after the website got popular. At first, Spector was terrified that Norris would deliver him a roundhouse kick to the face. But Norris was very friendly and seemed to appreciate all the attention from the Chuck Norris Facts phenomenon. Spector was confident enough after that meeting to allow Penguin to publish a collection of the Facts.

Norris is now suing Spector and Penguin.

I have no idea of the merits of his case against Spector; for all I know, Norris's lawsuit could be valid or entirely frivolous. But I am thankful that he sued because otherwise I might not have done any research on Norris, to discover the true "beliefs that have shaped his life."

Chuck Norris is an evangelical Christian and political activist. He publishes a blog on World Net Daily, a leading conservative Christian news website. He has developed a new career writing Christian fiction novels for young people. He doesn't believe in evolution. He is on the National Council of Bible Curriculum in Public Schools, which is fighting to have Bible classes in public schools across America. On his blog, he touts a new Censorship Bill (formally named the Protecting Children From Indecent Programming Act), which is up for vote in the senate. Norris is a fundamentalist, "born again", bible thumping Theocrat. And he is aggressively campaigning for Mike Huckabee for President.

On his blog, Norris explains that, after "praying about who could lead this country as our next president," he divined that Huckabee was the best choice. Why? Here's a few of the reasons cited:

- Huckabee is an ordained minister.
- He will "stand up for a Creator and against Secularist beliefs" in government.
- He initiated a government-sponsored health insurance program in Arkansas.
- He wants to reform the public education program... again. (I wonder if Biblical teachings will be part of that "reform?" I'm sure Chuck Norris is praying for that.)
- He supports a constitutional ban on gay marriage.
- He supports a Federal ban on abortion.

Huckabee is officially "Chuck Norris Approved." For the past few weeks, Norris and his wife have been on the campaign trail with Huckabee in Iowa. Norris and Huckabee actually use some of the Chuck Norris Facts in a YouTube campaign ad. Not surprisingly, when Huckabee gave his speech after winning the Iowa primary last night, his evangelical bodyguard Chuck Norris was right behind him.

I do have to thank Chuck Norris for one thing: he has helped me see that Mike Huckabee is the very last person I would want in charge of this country. If Mike Huckabee earns the nomination for the Republican party, I will vote for whoever is running against him. Also, I know now not to make the mistake of buying any of Norris's books or videos, ever. Any dime given to Norris is money in the pockets of the fundamentalist, evangelical, Christian Behemoth that has swallowed the Republican party whole.

So, why does the Bogeyman check his closet for Chuck Norris before he goes to bed? Because he's afraid of those goddamn Fundamentalist Christians! Me too.

--Dan Edge


nickmain said...

nice column. I didn't know any real Chuck facts myself, but standing within 15 feet of Huckabee is a big red flag that you might be evil.

B said...

Norris has lost all credibility with me. I am glad there is a backlash against him on the internet now since Huckabee is a threat to the Constitution if he were elected.

Anonymous said...

i think it good that some people in this wordl have enough pride in their savior Jesus Christ to proclaim him even when he get hate mail for it

Glen said...

im glad that some people in hig places have the courage to proclaim Jesus Christ as their savior and its sad that u critisize him for it

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